When you have children, you’ll notice they seem to need a lot of validation. This can be considered part of the growing process. As they explore the world, it’s good to receive reassurance that they’re doing well and their efforts are seen. Occasionally though, you’ll find your children might go through periods where they seek more validation than normal. What’s with that?
Have They Been Getting Too Much Validation Lately?
Sometimes we get a little over-eager in our praise. While it’s natural to be excited about your child’s accomplishments, making a really big deal out of every single one can lead to unhealthy expectations. When this happens, the child will build up an expectation they need to be validated whenever they do anything.
How can you help? Try easing back a little. Choose your moments to give over-the-top praise carefully. The rest of the time? A hug or a quiet word of praise is sufficient.
Has Something Gone Wrong Recently?
If your child put a lot of effort into something and fell flat, they might be feeling a little uncertain. When this happens, they seek your praise as reassurance, hoping you’ll give them back whatever they lost in their failure.
How can you help? Talk to them about what happened. Let them know everyone sometimes fails and remind them what’s important – that they tried hard. Show them how they have already learned from the experience and talk about trying again.
What Have You Been Doing?
Kids will often seek attention when they feel like they don’t have yours. Is it possible you’ve been extra busy lately or spending too much time on your phone when the kids were around? You might not think so, but try to see yourself through their eyes.
How can you help? Instead of validation, what your child needs is for you to be there in the moment with them. You don’t necessarily need to go and arrange special time with your child. Instead, focus on giving your child more of your undivided attention. How about a no-phone rule at dinner or making a point of setting aside the tech when they’re talking to you, so they know you’re really listening?
While this list doesn’t begin to represent every instance your child might be seeking extra validation, it should at least give you some ideas about unraveling what’s going on when they do. The key to handling any situation is the same: dig a little deeper to understand why your child is feeling insecure and address the issue. You’ll both feel better about it.
by Joe Van Deuren
About the Author
After years of working with children and families teaching self-defense – physical, mental, and emotional – and leads the Youth Suicide Awareness Team in Anne Arundel County. Mr. Joe was asked to join Anne Arundel Community College as an Adjunct Instructor for the TEACH Institute. It is there that he taught in-person and online classes for parents covering the basics and the difficult parts of parenting. Discipline, rules and consequences, anger management, building character & resilience, and even how to play with your child.
Joe Van Deuren is the founder of Balanced Life Skills created a framework he calls Virtues & The 4 C’s of Successful Families which combines real and practical things you can do to bring out the best and the full potential in your children, effectively leading their children to adulthood.
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