QUESTION:
My husband and I are both in our 30s, married over 5 years with 2 kids under 2.
We both work, I cut down to 3-4 days after our second child. I make a good income, enough to just make it on my own but he makes seven times more than I do. Since the beginning, I am the only active parent. All things involving the kids fall on me. Big things like appointments, school stuff, but also small daily items like bathing, dinner, bedtime routine, etc. After having our second child, his version of helping is “watching” one while I bathe/feed the other. Same on the weekends which is me running out with the 2 year old while the baby sleeps with him at home besides for the occasional family outing which is usually revolving around a meal. He justifies his actions due to him being the primary financial provider even though I contribute all of my income to the household.
All our arguments are me blowing up at him about his lack of help, him telling me that I abuse and insult him sometimes in front of the kids. Up to this point it’s me apologizing to HIM because he threatens divorce each time, claiming no responsibility in why I was upset. I can take responsibility for my inappropriate outbursts, but I often feel like I’m being gaslit.
Besides the kid stuff, we have a good time together, other aspects of our husband/wife relationship are good and I do love him. After being totally alone with crazy kid stuff the last few weeks, we had another fight and he threatened divorce again. I believe he is actually serious this time as he has made concrete steps towards this. I really can’t imagine starting over alone with 2 young kids. I definitely can’t think about not being with them every day at this age, but I am starting to think I should take him up on his offer because he will never change and I will have to accept this life forever of no help and no accountability. He refuses therapy so that’s out. I guess my question is, has anyone dealt with something similar and where are you now? Thank you for reading.
ANSWERS:
Maria Winters, LCPC, NCC, The Coaching Therapist
It sounds like you’re carrying a big load, so how you are feeling makes sense.
The imbalance in parental responsibilities is a common concern among couples that creates a perfect opportunity to develop grudges, and can lead to disconnection. Parenting can be similar to running a joint “business”, where both parties need to invest time and effort, not only capital.
Have you tried communicating what you need from a vulnerable and loving place?
It might be that you don’t find a solution that you both 100% agree with, so the conversation could be to exchange perspectives and expectations, redesign together the current distribution of tasks, identify what each of you can compromise, or propose paying for extra help to ease the load.
Have you considered seeking support for yourself? Prioritizing your emotional well-being can be vital right now.
Jeannie Anderson, Relationship & Communication Coach
First, I want to acknowledge the challenge inherent in raising two children under age 2. The amount of support little ones need is endless and being the sole provider of that support is exhausting!
I hear your frustration and a deep longing for your husband to actively partner with you in parenting your children. I’m imagining that you may also be feeling confusion and fear after receiving threats of divorce and refusing to participate in therapy. I’m sending so much compassion to you – this is a lot to hold.
My husband and I have navigated challenges in our marriage over the years by taking classes to learn new skills and by leaning on close friends as well as seeing coaches and therapists. As a parent, a partner, and a coach, I recommend seeking support for yourself first! Having a safe space to process everything that’s going on can be an enormous help when it comes to relieving stress and providing clarity around the next steps. When we focus on helping ourselves, the benefits often rub off on our relationships, too.
Valerie E. Anias, Esq., Owner and Founder of A Team Family Law, LLC
I am so sorry you’re experiencing this situation and you are brave for seeking advice! It’s a difficult predicament to find yourself in, but if there’s any idea that you may be considering separating because of the discord between you both, I highly recommend you speak with a family law attorney (and not wait until you see where he’s headed).
Knowledge is power. Knowing what you may be entitled to in terms of assets, finances, your home, etc. is crucial. The more you know, the more you can plan and act accordingly. In the meantime, I would keep a journal of these happenings so you have record of these situations, what caused them, what was said during them, etc.
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