Question
I can’t believe I am even admitting this. My husband and I haven’t had sex in 5+ years. Literally, not once. We haven’t done ANYTHING intimate except for holding hands. He is my best friend and there is no one I would rather be with. He doesn’t initiate anymore and neither do I.… we’re basically best friends who live together and raise our children. This started after our second child was born and we were both just too tired… but now, I wouldn’t even know how to get things started again. The thought of it is pretty awkward. I’ve brought it up a time or two and he says, “yep… you never wanted to, so I just stopped trying.” How do I change this? I don’t want a sexless marriage for the rest of my life, and I don’t want a divorce. Thank you for any advice you can give.
Answer
First, I want to say that it takes tremendous bravery to disclose a problem in a marriage. We are socialized to deny anything might be “wrong” because simply identifying a deficit could bring the worry that things might not work out. However, the opposite is true!
It is precisely through examination of where our needs are not met that we can achieve the best relationship possible. If we honestly look at our relational desires with curiosity, we are setting ourselves up for success. So, you have already taken that first courageous step. You know you don’t want to live in a sexless marriage, and you’re seeking solutions.
As a sex, love and relationship coach, I see the issue of sexless marriages come up all the time. You may not know it, but you’ve expressed a very positive point in your favor within your question. You said: “He is my best friend and there is no one I would rather be with.” This shows that you’re committed to your husband and you have a desire for him. Oftentimes when someone tells me about their sexless marriage, this is not the case, and therefore the situation doesn’t have such a strong basis from which to work. But your desire for your husband is a clue and a key to your ultimate success.
A lack of sexual intimacy for a long period of time in a marriage is significant but not at all insurmountable. Over time, we develop habits in our relationships. You and your husband are likely “stuck in a groove” of not having sex. Moving out of an ingrained pattern is possible, but it takes awareness and developing and implementing new practices and routines to break out of the sort of rut you’re describing.
What I suggest in your case is something I call Incremental Intimacy. This means taking steps towards becoming more intimate with each other. These steps can and should be small. Think of it as akin to making a minor dietary change, like drinking room-temperature water instead of ice water. It’s easy to take a small step in the right direction of health, whether it’s for your body or your relationship. Incremental Intimacy means taking the next logical, heartfelt step toward intimacy. Trying it out. Feeling into it. And adding it to your routine if it feels right. Then, think of what the next incremental step would be and follow the same process.
If the desire is to go from holding hands to having sexual intimacy, ask yourself: What is the next step after holding hands?
This process is going to vary from person to person, couple to couple. There might be five steps for you, and 15 steps for someone else. What those actual steps are will differ, as well as how long you need to “stay” at each step before you take the next one. To give you an example, to move from simply holding hands to further sexual intimacy, you might next try cuddling together as you watch TV, putting on dinner music that is romantic, or setting aside time in the evening to talk alone. The step after that might be offering your partner a back rub or hiring a babysitter to have a date night.
Putting a priority on exploring steps towards intimacy goes hand in hand with making space for it. With busy schedules and children, it’s easy to put sex on the back burner. However, it’s essential to make the time for it. As a guideline, I suggest married couples plan alone time in the form of a “date night” once a week and “away weekends” together (for at least one night) on a quarterly basis.
It’s also important that you take care of your own intimate needs. Self-pleasure and taking care of yourself in general, makes you feel good – and has a positive impact on your relationship. Cultivating your own desire is a piece of the puzzle. For women, the more sex we have, the more sex we want to have. So, if you are lighting yourself up with pleasure, that will spill over into your relationship and subtly change the dynamic tension with your partner.
If you’re trying incremental intimacy, making the time and space to be together, and cultivating your own desire but still struggling to navigate this situation, I recommend seeking the help of a professional. A coach or therapist can help you both communicate effectively, identify any underlying issues, and work to rebuild your sexual connection.
About the Author
Angela Dawn is an intimacy and relationship coach who studied tantric practices with expert Layla Martin. She is the founder of Authentic Heart Coaching, LLC, where she coaches her clients to find their own unique way through life, love & relationships. www.authenticheartcoach.com
For inquiries: angeladawn@authenticheartcoach.com
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