Humans, on their own, are complicated enough. When we look at relationships, the complexities only deepen. At our core, most of us really want to be seen, valued, heard, and accepted. For many relationships (certainly not all), when they first start out, there is a honeymoon phase of romance and infatuation. This person becomes so much more than just another Homo sapien traipsing across the planet. They become our other half, the subject of our daydreams, the touch we crave, the voice that soothes us, and so much more. As with most things in life, the shiny newness of it all wears off over time. We fall into the lull of daily life, we are pulled in fifty different directions, balancing work, home, family, and G-d knows what else. While the luster may dull, the love doesn’t have to.
One of the most common complaints in relationships, long-term ones especially, is that people start to feel like their spouse doesn’t see them for who they are or understand all of the things they do to contribute to the daily life of running a household or supporting a family. Many people start to feel underappreciated and undervalued. These feelings can breed contempt, resentment, anger, frustration, hurt, and lack of love and affection.
These feelings can impact intimacy in a variety of ways both physically and emotionally. A desire for physical and emotional intimacy must come with a foundation of love, trust, genuine gratitude, and appreciation for one another. Love is a verb and requires action and effort to be sustained. Displays of gratitude are incredibly powerful when it comes to fueling long-term connection.
What does gratitude look like? It is more than simply saying “I appreciate you” but that’s a darn good place to start. When is the last time you have locked eyes with your spouse, held their hand, or put your hand on their arm and genuinely said “I really appreciate you and everything you do for our family”? When was the last time they offered this gift to you? Can you remember? If so, how did it make you feel to gift that sentiment, and how did it feel to be the recipient?
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Beyond simply saying that you are grateful for your spouse, how can you show it? This goes both ways. This is not just for one person in the partnership, this (relation)ship requires two captains equally committed to making one another feel seen and valued. Many of us as parents go out of our way to make sure our kids feel loved, seen and valued, but sometimes in the thick of the parenting chaos, either spouse may end up on the sidelines.
Some simple ways of showing gratitude are:
- Help without being asked or told, both partners should know what it takes to run the household and what needs to be done to keep things running smoothly.
- Write notes of gratitude on the bathroom mirror, napkins in a lunchbox, or left on the bedside table.
- Engage in small acts of love, make each other coffee, buy your partner their favorite snack, get their car cleaned.
- Schedule time together to reconnect. It can be a night out or a simple walk around the block.
- Say thank you often. Thank you for washing the dishes, thank you for doing laundry, thank you for being such a great parent to our kids, thank you for working so hard, thank you for doing drop off, thank you for adding toilet paper to the grocery list, etc.
- Compliment your spouse daily. Even if it’s just “I love it when you smile.”
- Encourage self-care.
- Remind them why you love them, why you fell in love, and why you continue to love them.
- Engage in non-sexual touch. So often touch in a relationship is expected to lead to more. Touch is a basic human need. A hand on the shoulder, a brush of the hand over your partner’s back as you pass by, a squeeze of the hand in the hallway; these can all speak volumes about gratitude and remind each other that you see one another and that you have a special relationship.
If you find yourself feeling undervalued, it can seem overwhelming, scary, and sometimes just plain frustrating to find a way to start the conversation about what you need. The last thing you want to do is to push our spouse away if we are already feeling miles apart. Telling your spouse how you feel and what you need can be done in a way that does not come off as accusatory, demanding, or blaming. Some examples might include:
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“I’ve been feeling really disconnected lately and I would love to take a walk together. Do you have time this week?”
“I forgot how much I need to hear the words: I appreciate you. I was hoping we could try saying them more to each other this week.”
“I have been feeling kind of unseen lately. I am not sure what I need, but I just felt like I need to let you know how I am feeling so I can start to work through it.”
“I have been feeling really overwhelmed. I could really use some time for myself. Can you watch the kids one day this weekend so I can go do XYZ and then I will do the same for you?”
Of course, these are some more basic ways to rekindle the love in your relationship, but sometimes we need a little more help to get there. A therapist can be a great way to help move along this conversation and smooth the path back to reawakening your love for each other. You may you find many resources through the Moms For Mental Health resource guide, Psychology Today‘s list of verified practitioners in Maryland, or check with your insurance carrier to find a mental health professional that might be a good fit for you.
By Jillian Amodio, LMSW, Contributor, Mental Health
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