The word “abuse” evokes strong, intense emotions. When we think of abuse we often think of physical scars left on bodies or fearful tears cried after stinging words are hurled our way. But abuse can also manifest in our relationships when someone else is controlling (or is perceived to be controlling) our finances. This type of coercive control is insidious, secretive, and just as terrifying – and destructive – as someone punching or slapping us.
Financial abuse is all about power and control – who has the power over the money and who doesn’t – in our intimate relationships and how our partner chooses to wield that power. A partner using money to threaten, intimidate, or scare us into compliance is attempting to exert control by making us feel fearful and powerless. But how do you know when a person may be leveraging this control to suit their own purposes? Watch closely for these signs, and act accordingly:
- Your name is not on your family’s financial accounts and your partner either dismisses your concerns, refuses to discuss them, or invalidates your feelings;
- Your partner has sole access to your shared accounts, only provides access to some (but not all) of your financial holdings, or refuses to share passwords or login information even when you ask;
- Your partner threatens to revoke your financial access if they don’t approve of your actions;
- Your partner consistently pushes off or ignores important financial discussions regarding long-term financial planning (i.e., trusts and/or will planning, refinancing a mortgage, etc.);
- If you are separating or discussing a separation, your partner becomes secretive, angry, or hostile when you ask for clarification on accounts, passwords, etc.
- Your partner threatens to withhold or simply refuses to pay household bills, credit card debt, school tuition, or other critical expenses in order to cut you out of the decision-making process;
- Your partner gets upset or angry if you have or request to have your own accounts;
- Any attempt to move large amounts of money without your consent or knowledge, or assigning undue financial responsibility or expectations on you when they don’t agree with proposed expenditures.
So what can you do? First of all, don’t panic. Anything that has been done can always be undone and your finances are no exception.
Take a breath and start with the basics: get all passwords, account numbers, phone numbers, etc. from your financial institutions as soon as possible. Call a friend or family member and tell them what’s going on so they can help. Try to secure a separate credit card and/or secure a copy of your credit report immediately so you have some access to cash and are well-versed in
exactly what you’re dealing with. Remember, knowledge is power and if your partner is controlling the knowledge then they have the power. Get it back by learning as much as you can, and if you are afraid, try to do your research independently so things don’t escalate.
You WILL get back on your feet. We promise. Don’t beat yourself up about where you’ve been. Just invest your energy in where you’re going, and if you need help, we are here to support you every step of the way:
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