QUESTION:
I’m struggling with myself and this situation…would love to hear your opinions, but please be nice.
Recently I have been struggling with body insecurities and have noticed my husband has been constantly watching adult content. When I ask or say something about it, he either brushes it off or doesn’t respond, and I don’t know what to do or say anymore.
I understand that you can find that content anywhere and everywhere, but to me, it seems as if I am not giving enough or have enough, which is why he would be into watching and doing what he is doing.
I have mentioned that I am not happy with my body, but I feel like the only thing he does is touch my bum or chest and doesn’t really show much affection otherwise it’s just straight to it. I don’t know if it is just me but it just makes me feel worse after knowing everything.
ANSWERS:
Jillian Amodio, LMSW, Waypoint Wellness Center and founder of Moms For Mental Health
First of all: YOU ARE ENOUGH!
In fact, you are more than enough. You are a desirable, beautiful, multifaceted, irreplaceable work of art.
I hear that you are unhappy in your own skin right now. And that’s okay–sometimes on our way to self-love we have to first take a rest at self-acceptance.
As for your husband watching adult content YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS! I hear you that this makes you feel like you are not “giving enough,” but in order to give we have to also receive. Otherwise, it isn’t intimacy we are engaging in, it’s a transaction.
Intimacy is often confused with sex. I actually just worked on a piece about this with a male writer for a sexual health website. There are many forms of intimacy and all of them have to be in balance for a relationship to feel safe, healthy, and fulfilling. At the core of intimacy lies vulnerability. I hope that you and your husband can have a vulnerable conversation about what each of you desires, what intimacy means to each of you, and how you can provide the love, nurture, and validation that each of you deserve. If this feels like a tough thing to navigate alone, maybe a couples counselor could be helpful. Finding our way back to intimacy in mature relationships can take time but it can be incredibly rewarding.
Wishing you comfort and reminding you that you are enough.
2. Christina Meighen, LCPC
When I read this, I have two immediate thoughts:
- “It’s not about the back fat.” – Brene Brown. This is about both of you showing up with vulnerability. In general, men are pressured to initiate and shamed when they are rejected. Women feel like they must suck in their bellies and be uber-sexy while being intimate, which doesn’t lend to wanting much sex.
- It seems that there are two people here circling the airport but afraid to land. So, they will just keep circling and circling, losing their connection with each other as they go.
Last thought: What can you do together that might be new and exciting?
3. Laura Reagan, LCSW-C and Owner of Baltimore Area Center for Integrative Medicine
You’re not alone in feeling uncomfortable with your body; it’s a common experience for most of us female-identifying humans because of cultural norms around gender. However, you deserve love and affection, regardless of what your body looks like.
It sounds like you have two concerns: 1) feeling uncomfortable with your husband consuming adult content, and; 2) feeling that your husband is not as interested in your body, and your needs for physical touch (including foreplay) as he is in the adult content he is consuming.
One approach would be to get curious with him about what’s going on for him and how he feels about the sex life you share as a couple. And it might be helpful for you to write in a journal and identify what you really feel about his way of engaging with you sexually.
Are you able to tell him what you want and need from him in terms of affection, attention, physical touch, and sexual interaction, and, hear from him what he wants and needs from you? If it’s hard to talk about this together, it could be helpful to find a couples counselor to help you talk about these things together, or to talk to your own therapist to help you explore what you want and need and how to express it.
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