Is My Teen Having Sex? 

QUESTION:

Talk to me about setting boundaries and guidelines for dating teens. My oldest will be 16 in a few months and has had a boyfriend (her first) for a couple months now. They get very cuddly and cozy together, and I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before things start to progress physically. 

I talk about sex and consent with her regularly and all the things. She says she doesn’t want a sexual relationship until she’s much older, but we all know that when hormones get heated, things just keep going. 

They are never left alone in our house, but obviously there are other places they can go. Am I crazy to think I can stop them from going too far? Do I just keep talking with her and hope for the best decisions?

I mean, I know exactly what I was doing at their age!

ANSWERS

Samantha Straub, LCPC, Parent Coach and Owner of Teen Savvy Coaching

First of all, kudos to you for keeping the topics of consent and sex on the table with your daughter. There’s a squeamishness in our society around the topic of sexuality, but it’s also a really important component of everyone’s identity.  

When it comes to guiding your children around any issue that involves risk, author and sexuality educator, Deborah Roffman in her book Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kid’s “Go To” Person about Sex says kids need the following:

1. Anticipatory Guidance: Information on what’s coming up next.

2. Affirmation: Reminders that “you’ve got this.”

3. Information: Facts and knowledge about the situation.

4. Limits: Guardrails to keep kids on the right path.

5. Nurturing: Feelings of being cared for and connected. 

You may already have covered this with your daughter, but in addition to talking about the risks and dangers involved with premature sexual intimacy, make sure to also talk about the circumstances in which it would be okay, even joyful, for a person to consent to sexual intimacy with a partner. In the process, don’t be afraid to also communicate your values, expectations, and LOVE to your daughter so she’ll continue to see you as a confidant and a guide as she navigates this critical part of her growing up journey.  

Ultimately, can you stop her from making certain choices with her boyfriend? No, probably not.  Can you influence her choices for the better? Yes, absolutely. 

Source: Roffman, D. (2012). Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go-To” Person about Sex. Da Capo Press.

Jillian Amodio, LMSW, Waypoint Wellness Center and Founder of Moms For Mental Health 

It is such a challenging thing as a parent to recognize that our children are growing into budding adults, while also still seeing them through a lens of lingering childhood. Sex, sexuality, and intimacy are part of human nature. Each family has differing values when it comes to sex, and “going too far” means something different to everyone. Even among members of the same family, “going too far” will likely mean something different to each family member. In Maryland, the age of consent for sexual intercourse is 16 years old. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job of having open and honest conversations with your child about sex and the associated risks. It also sounds like your child is doing a great job of expressing their comfort level when it comes to sex. 

Talk continuously about consent, changing desires, conflicting feelings, and the emotional and physical risks that come with sex, as well as the various ways to practice safe sex and safe intimacy (physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, etc.) You can remind them of the boundaries and expectations you have in your home and family, while also honoring the fact that they have a level of autonomy and free will that cannot be taken away. Continue to remind your child that nothing they ever do can change how you feel about them, and they can always come to you about anything without fear of shame or judgment. Respect their autonomy, praise them for their openness, and continue to support them in this natural phase of their life. 

Vanessa Geffrard, Vice President of Education and Outreach, Planned Parenthood of Maryland

Wow, Mom! I see you, and I want to congratulate you for being proactive and discussing topics around sex and sexuality with your daughter! Here are a few things to keep in mind. 

Studies have shown that the more we talk to our kids and the more we share our values with them, the more likely they are to delay sexual activity and to practice safer sex practices when they actually do have sex. I would even step your discussions up to another level. Think about what your values are and have a discussion about them, which will help you find out what she thinks, too! For example, if she does decide to have sex, would you like for her to come to you first? Would you like her to think about birth control? Who is another trusted adult she can go to if she may not feel comfortable bringing everything up with you? What does she do if she were to get pregnant or need to get tested? 

I would think about the answers to these questions and not only have a discussion with her but also role-play different scenarios with her (even if she rolls her eyes!). The role-play is important because it’s the difference between knowing and doing. We often know “what to do,” but we don’t always know how, know what to say, or get to practice before we get to the real thing. Remember: This doesn’t all need to happen in one sitting. Make it casual, use teachable moments from things you see on TV (a movie where a couple doesn’t ask for consent or discuss condoms, say), role-play, and make yourself available when and if she wants to talk. 

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