He’s Making Me Move! Will Our Marriage Make It?

anonymous mom dreading moving — Maybe I’m passive-aggressive … but can’t he also be more empathetic?

QUESTION:

We are moving to the ‘burbs and are looking for a house now. I don’t want to go, but agreed to try it because frankly I don’t have a choice or I’ll get divorced which I don’t want to do. But REALLY don’t want to go.

Every time I bring up hesitation, my husband flips his lid. Maybe I’m passive-aggressive which I know can be annoying, but can’t he also be more empathetic with me and say something like, “Honey, I know you don’t really want to go, but thank you for giving it a try”? If he thinks I’m upset now, wait until we actually get close to moving. Am I wrong to ask for empathy?

He says he gets triggered when I make a comment. Like tonight he said, “Here is a house– want to look?” and I said, “If I must” in a nice way with absolutely no tone, but again I get it can be annoying. He literally just left the house, because he was so mad. I feel like I should also have the right to feel a certain way. Tell me if I’m wrong. Thanks!

ANSWERS:

Jeannie Anderson
Relationship & Communication Coach

Based on what you’ve shared, it sounds like this move is only meeting your husband’s needs, not yours, and that you’re making a huge compromise in order to remain married. Solutions that only meet the needs of one partner in a relationship often lead to anger, resentment, and disconnection. You absolutely have the right to feel however you feel about this situation. And it sounds like receiving some empathy, understanding, and validation from your husband about your experience would be helpful for you.

When my partner and I disagree, what we have found to be most helpful is an open, honest conversation where we both have the opportunity to express what’s important to us, be heard by the other without defensiveness, and collaborate on a solution that works for both of us. In the absence of this, anger and resentment will likely continue to build resulting in more disconnection and challenge in your relationship. Navigating highly charged topics can be tricky and require a good bit of skill. We’ve found the support of a neutral third party to be invaluable in these instances. A coach, therapist, or mediator can provide the structure needed to keep the conversation respectful, emotionally safe, and productive.

Jillian Amodio LMSW
Waypoint Wellness Center and founder of Moms For Mental Health

It sounds like you both have strong feelings. When it comes to major life decisions, there will undoubtedly be some tough conversations to be had. It sounds like there are some miscommunications between the two of you, and I wonder what would happen if you were able to sit down together and calmly talk over each other’s fears, concerns, and reservations. What compromises can you both agree to come to that would be mutually beneficial? The old saying “It’s not what we say but how we say it” is so true. What verbal and nonverbal cues are you sending to each other? Can you both calmly express what you need to the other using I statements?

If verbal conversations tend to get heated, how about working things through in a written exchange? If you need more help during this time of transition, maybe consider seeing a couples counselor who can help work through some of the emotions. Marriage is hard! Do you love each other? Do you both want to work together to make a decision that both of you can feel comfortable with even if sacrifices need to be made? If so, lean on the love and remind yourselves that you are each other’s teammate, not each other’s enemy.

Laura Reagan, LCSW-C
Owner of Baltimore Area Center for Integrative Medicine

You have every right to express your feelings about moving, and while your husband doesn’t have to agree with you, it’s totally reasonable for you to expect him to listen to your concerns.

This is a decision that impacts both of you. You state that you may be “passive aggressive “ in your communication, which isn’t ideal – but based on your description of his reaction to your objection, it sounds like that is a protective strategy for you. In partnership, both parties express their wants and needs with care and attention to how the other partner feels. How both of you feel about this change is equally important.

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