Help! My Extrovert In-laws are Draining my Holiday Cheer

QUESTION: 

I’m having some anxiety about the holidays coming up. I am more of an introvert and it just feels draining to be around big groups, especially my husband’s family. A lot of them are loud and in-your-face and it makes me dread holiday time. 

I don’t feel like I’m authentic around them, because I’m just trying to keep my head down and get through the time. I drag my feet about doing anything with his family, and my husband sees that and is patient, but I know he resents it sometimes. I also feel like my kids see that I’m not being myself and I don’t want them to get the wrong impression. Does anyone else feel this way? What can I do to try to enjoy myself rather than feel like I’m just biding my time? 

ANSWERS:

Jillian Amodio, LMSW, Waypoint Wellness Center and founder of Moms For Mental Health 

First, I want to commend you on listening to the needs and sensitivities of your mind and body. It is Ok to honor our own limitations and to acknowledge our comfort zone, our stretch, and our panic zone. If these gatherings are in your stretch zone, what coping strategies can you use to help feel more comfortable?

Taking frequent breaks to step outside, wearing noise-reducing ear plugs, developing a fake cough to keep people six feet away (lol just kidding), but you get the point! If this is in your panic zone, are there things you can do to bring these gatherings into your stretch zone, such as rescue anxiety meds, or a shorter visit? 

If not, maybe it’s time to rethink your plans. Be open and honest with yourself and your husband, and work together as a team, to develop a plan to ensure that the holidays are enjoyable for the family as a whole. If you struggle with anxiety, would it be helpful to explain this to your children? Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed about and sometimes being honest helps those around you be able to empathize with how you are feeling. After social gatherings, it is also important to take some “you time” and recharge; this could mean taking a walk, reading a book, taking a bath, taking a nap, going out on your own to do some holiday shopping, getting a massage or pedicure, etc. Decompress and give yourself time to recharge and reset. 

Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, Owner of Baltimore Area Center for Integrative Medicine

It’s great that your husband is supportive and understands your need for less interaction with his family, so maybe you and he can work out a compromise that makes both of you happy. Rather than trying to push through inauthentically (and potentially resentfully) – which is really abandoning your own needs – perhaps you can consider what length of time feels tolerable to spend with your husband’s family. Identify a manageable time span to spend with his family, then brainstorm with your husband how you can shorten the time just long enough to have a meaningful visit, without you becoming overwhelmed. 

Is it an option to drive separately, or is your husband willing to leave together at an agreed-upon time? Maybe feeling you have more of a choice in the matter will help you dread these visits less, and even find a way to enjoy yourself.

Dr. Antione Tomlin, Professional Certified Coach (ICF), Professor, and owner Best, AT Coaching! LLC. (X: TomlinAntione)

Consider taking a proactive approach to redesigning your relationships—with your husband, your children, and your family-in-law. This involves revisiting and reestablishing boundaries, expectations, limits, and beliefs to ensure everyone involved feels supported. 

As we enter this holiday season, I urge you to be intentional and strategic in expressing your needs, whether it’s for time, space, or limited interaction—ultimately, you get to decide. Once you’ve reflected on what you need during these gatherings, initiate open conversations with your family to explore how everyone can support each other.

To guide your reflections and discussions, here are some questions to consider:

1. What specific support do you need to feel more at ease?
2. How do you envision showing up emotionally and mentally during this time?
3. What things might you want or need to let go of to create a more positive experience?
4. What does it look like to infuse joy and fun into these holiday interactions for yourself and those around you?

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