The Teenage Brain: A Wild Frontier

By Jillian Amodio, LMSW, Mental Health Contributor

Teenagers are perhaps some of the most perplexing creatures on the planet. In some ways, they are still children, yet in others, they are on the cusp of adulthood. They need boundaries and routines, but they also need freedom and flexibility. They need responsibility, but they also need grace. 

What makes the teenage years so challenging? Well, mostly biology. Parenting a teenager can come with challenges, but it is also important to remember that just being a teenager is a challenge in and of itself!

Some parents have the literal teenage-dream child – who does whatever they are asked to do, never gets in trouble, is always kind and respectful, etc. – but this is so not the norm! While it may be frustrating, it is also completely normal to have a moody creature who holes up in the bedroom, hoards cups, survives solely on junk food, needs to be reminded to shower, and swears your sole purpose in life is to ruin theirs.

Take a breath, it’s not you … it’s not them … it’s biology. During the teenage years, adolescents are supposed to challenge authority, pave their own path, define their own identity, loosen the parental grip, and … learn from their mistakes! 

The teenage brain is quite literally not complete! You have a hormonal, almost adult wandering around with a semi-complete brain! Of course, their behaviors and choices are going to be questionable! 

The frontal cortex is one of the last parts of the brain to achieve full development. This growth and development usually come mid- to late-20s. Why is this part of the brain so important? It is responsible for things like executive functioning and impulse control! These are the very things we so often find infuriating about teens! An underdeveloped frontal cortex can lead to risky behaviors (not understanding the potential consequences), poor decision making, and moodiness. What’s the cure? Time and maturity, two things you just can’t rush. 

While it can hurt the parental heart, it is normal for teens to spend less time with family and more time with peers, take risks, hide their struggles in an attempt to assert independence, and appear “rude” or “lazy.” Their brain is developing along with their sense of self, value system, social skills, and unique worldview.

So, what can we do to support our teens and preserve our sanity?

• Leave the door open for them to come to you on their own terms and in their own time. Be an active listener. Don’t judge, and refrain from immediately offering advice or solutions. Just showing up and trusting that they will ask for help when needed can build solid parent/child connections. Let them come to you on their own time and in their own way.
• Stay calm. Inevitably, your teen will make mistakes. If you need to take a few minutes to gather your thoughts and composure, do so. Chances are they already know they messed up and they are probably horrified, embarrassed, and scared, even if they don’t show it. Thank them for coming to you, and ensure your teen that together, there is no problem you can’t fix. 
• Embrace their unique sense of self-expression and identity exploration. Sure, your kid might make questionable choices, but if they aren’t harming themselves or others, let it ride! No better time to embrace self-expression than during the freedom of our youth! 
• Don’t take it personally. Yes, the attitude sucks, and yes, you can set boundaries, but chances are, it’s not personal. Model kindness and respect in the home, and when the dust settles after an argument, then take time to debrief. Try not to engage when they are in a heightened state of emotion; the rational side of their brain is just not available to access. 
• Don’t tell them how they feel. How often have you heard “You just don’t understand!” Validate the emotion even if you disagree with it. 
• Praise as often as you can. Any time you can offer a small bit of praise, appreciation, or validation, jump on it! It will seep into their soul. 
• Offer chances for freedom and decision-making. The more control we can give, the less they will try to take it. Teens need to feel like there are aspects of their lives that they can control, and this is a great training ground for learning how to be an adult!
• Forgive, forgive, forgive. Mistakes happen. Show them, and yourself, some grace. 

While things like moodiness, sleeping more, and changes in appearance or interests can be normal, they can also signify a deeper issue in need of addressing. If you notice concerning changes in your child, please reach out to their pediatrician or a mental health professional. They can help assess whether this is part of normal development or something in need of deeper assistance. 

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