Navigating Teen Relationships: 5 Tips from Talk to Me First

I had my first boyfriend in the final days of seventh grade. We’d been flirting for weeks, and his best friend was already “going out with” my best friend, so it made middle school social sense that he and I would couple up as well. As much as I thought I liked him, the relationship lasted six days before I became so creeped out at the idea of being someone’s girlfriend that I called him to gently break things off. 

When I say I was “creeped out,” my then-boyfriend never did anything to make me feel that way. He was funny and kind on the few phone calls we had that fateful week. We never even held hands, and the closest we came to a date was attending the same end-of-year party in a crowded family room to watch a horror movie. Rather, it was the label of being someone’s girlfriend that I wasn’t ready for. I believed there were expectations that went along with that label, and I wasn’t entirely sure what they were, nor that I was ready for them. 

Would there be kissing, for example? Were we supposed to spend time together one-on-one? I had no point of reference, and the idea of raising these questions with my “boyfriend”–or my family–didn’t even occur to me.

Fast forward 35 years, and times have thankfully changed. There’s plenty I don’t love about social media, but a bright side to the endless feeds is the fact that dialogue about healthy romantic relationships has now been brought into the public eye. 

My own experience as a former high school sexuality educator suggests that most kids at least know that there is a spectrum on which relationships exist ranging from abusive to healthy. And parents also have a significant role to play in helping their children develop skills and attitudes to create open, honest, and consensual romantic relationships in their adolescent years and beyond. 

So what do kids need from their parents to set them up for relationship satisfaction? 

Sexuality educator, Debbie Roffman, in her book Talk to Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kid’s Go-To Person about Sex, shares five ingredients that all kids need to develop healthy relationships–as well as positive self-concepts around all things related to sexuality. Roffman notes that these ingredients are also the foundational components of love and nurturing, which kids need throughout their lives–even during adolescence when they may be pushing boundaries and pushing parents and caregivers away. 

1. Affirmation: I’m fond of reminding parents that they are their kids’ first and most influential “mirrors.” A parent’s job is to reflect back an image that communicates to the child “You’re capable,” “You’re enough,” “You’re worthy,” and “ You matter.” Parents can remind their kids, regardless of whether their children are pursuing romantic connections, that they are deserving of relationships that are mutual, satisfying, honest, and fun!

2. Information: Kids need to know the signs of a healthy relationship as well as signs of the opposite scenario. Teens need concrete information to fall back on so they can compare their lived experiences to what they’ve learned about high quality, fulfilling relationships. The One Love Foundation has a lot of excellent free resources on this topic.  

3. Clarity about Values: Articulating your values is critically important, so kids start to internalize their own set of values around dating (and every other issue in their complex lives). Use small moments that occur naturally in your and your child’s day to sneak in values-based conversations. 

4. Limits: Though they probably won’t ever say it out loud, kids find comfort in having a set of guard rails. And those guard rails ought to be grounded in your family’s values and your child’s safety. It’s okay for parents to share some clear parameters with their kids as well as your WHY for setting those limits. For example, “If you’re living under our roof, we’d like the chance to meet anyone you date early in the relationship, so we can get to know them AND so we can start to see why you like them so much!”

5. Anticipatory Guidance: Parents can help their kids consider situations they will encounter in the future and plan for how they will handle them. Many kids don’t take well to being handed unsolicited advice, so parents might have to build their anticipatory guidance on dating into conversations that stem from open-ended questions such as “How would someone your age know if they went from in like with a partner to love with a partner?” or “If someone gets asked to a homecoming dance in a public setting, what’s the best way to say no if that’s the answer they want to give?”

Samantha Straub is the owner of Teen Savvy Coaching, where she offers parent coaching for those raising teens and tweens. She is also a licensed therapist, long-time school counselor, and mom to two busy teens. You can find her online at www.teensavvycoaching.com, Facebook, and Instagram.

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