My friend is leaving an abusive marriage…what’s next for her?

QUESTION

My best friend is pursuing a divorce from her husband. He has physically and emotionally abused her and sexually coerced her over the last 2-3 years. They have 4 children together. She finally got the courage to leave and came to live closer to family.

They recently bought a house so she can’t get an apartment because the mortgage is on her credit and he’s refusing to vacate the house. She wants to get her own place once the house sells and he is making it beyond difficult. Because of that, and the fact he’s not paying the mortgage, the house is going to end up in foreclosure.

Hoping there’s someone here who can provide some advice – any advice regarding divorce with a narcissist, custody battle, etc. with this type of situation. Thank you if you’ve read this far!

ANSWERS

Valerie E. Anias, Esq., Owner and Founder of A Team Family Law, LLC

First, I am so sorry to hear your friend is in this situation! Second, she sounds like she has a great support system and that is going to be key during this time! Finally, she should speak with an attorney.

Family law drastically changed on 10/1 and she could pursue a divorce based simply on irreconcilable differences. This could be beneficial for her as she learns what her rights are and how she can be protected. During the divorce process, or perhaps settlement negotiations, her attorney can advocate and assist in minimizing the financial impact of her husband’s decisions. Requesting expedited relief on financial matters (if her husband won’t come to an agreement) may be necessary, and having an attorney assist in acting quickly would be very helpful. Speaking with an attorney, getting that ball rolling, and learning her rights is crucial.

Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, Owner of Baltimore Area Center for Integrative Medicine

It took enormous strength and courage for your friend to escape this abusive relationship and it’s great that she has your support. Unfortunately, it’s common for abusive former partners to use the legal system to continue to gain a sense of power and control over the victim.

It’s common for abusive former spouses to seek full custody of children, avoid paying child support, and drag out legal proceedings by being uncooperative, running up the victim’s legal fees in attempting to wear down the partner who left the relationship (often hoping the partner will give up and go back to the abuser). Stalking, threats, harassment and continued physical and sexual assaults are still a risk.

My recommendation, based on over 21 years of experience helping survivors of sexual and domestic violence, is to seek out counseling and get legal help from an attorney who is experienced in the dynamics of power and control that are common in abusive relationships. Your friend and her attorney need to know that survivors and their children are at high risk of violence, including death, when they leave abusive relationships, and they need to take proactive measures such as obtaining court orders of protection and ensuring the school is aware of who is allowed to pick up children and who isn’t, for example. Extended family and pets are also at risk. Every city and county has a domestic violence services organization which provides free or low cost counseling and often legal services for help with protective orders and family law matters.

The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) website has a list of state domestic violence coalitions and your friend can search for resources in her area. The website also includes hotlines and resources for emotional support and legal advice. Your friend has a long road ahead of her to heal from this traumatic situation and support her children’s healing, so I’m glad she has you caring about her!

Kelly Anderson, Director of Sarah’s House

First and foremost, what an amazingly strong woman. Stigmas around needing help often outweigh our ability to ask for help… I’m glad this is not the case here.

I would suggest that anyone who has experienced any kind of domestic violence reach out to the YWCA (410-222-6800) to see if they qualify for any legal services and to receive specified support.

Secondly, I would suggest that she reach out to Arundel Community Development Services for advice as well. They do operate a Mortgage Assistance Program and can also refer to legal services if the person qualifies (410-222-7600).

Elaine, Mom from Shady Side

Good for her to have the courage to leave. It’s scary under ordinary circumstances, but when dealing with a narcissist brute, it’s even worse.

Please tell her to reach out to a family attorney who deals in custody situations. At some point, if they are old enough, children can decide with whom they want to live. Good luck!

Debbie, Mom from Crofton

She should go to an abused shelter place that may be able to help her get housing.

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