My soon-to-be ex shouldn’t have custody!

Each week, we pull an intriguing post from our Facebook group for our panel of experts and area moms to weigh in on.

QUESTION:

Moms who have split from their husbands…. what did you do custody-wise? When my kids are not in school or sleeping, I’m with them almost all the time. I play with them, get them up and dressed, help them read, know when school events are, buy clothes, basically everything. {We are separated but still living in the same house.} My husband doesn’t do drugs or is violent, but he spends little time with the kids. Even if he’s home, he’s doing stuff he needs to do for himself. He will tell them he’s going to do something and then ends up spending tons of time doing work or personal stuff, and then he’ll snap at them when they keep asking why he still hasn’t done what he said he would. He barely can take care of himself. He wants 50/50 custody, but how is that fair to me, who takes care of them and is with them almost all the time? Is there any way to get more of a 70/30 arrangement?

ANSWERS:

Maryann Boyle, LCSW-C, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, EMDR trained, Friends of One Mom’s Battle: There will unfortunately be aspects of any custody arrangement that don’t feel fair. The good news is that safety issues aside, kids still tend to thrive when they’re with one physically and emotionally present parent, even half the time, and you get to be that parent regardless of how engaged their dad is. Encouraging your kids to advocate for themselves in age-appropriate ways while also building a strong support system that includes a therapist or two will help all of you adjust to the upcoming changes. Taking good care of yourself in the midst of this difficult season will also help you navigate the grief that comes with this hard but important decision.

_{Maryann Boyle, LCSW-C is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, EMDR trained and a Friend of One Mom’s Battle. For more information: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/maryann-boyle-annapolis-md/900696}

Evan M. Koslow, Esq., Family Law Attorney, Annapolis: You should start with family counseling to see if that can help with co-parenting.  If not, then you need to decide if you want to separate and figure out what an appropriate custody arrangement is.  Keep in mind that what reality is may not be able to be proven in court due to time constraints and rules of evidence.  Speaking with an experienced attorney to help determine your short-term rights and options (both legally and non-legal) would be helpful, as well as individual counseling if you are not in counseling already.

_{Koslow Law Firm handles many types of family law cases including military divorce, best interest attorney, third party custody, collaborative law, and mediation. For more information: https://www.koslowlawfirm.com/}

Cary Jacobson, Esq., Family Law Attorney, Columbia: Navigating the complexities of custody arrangements can be challenging, and it sounds like you have been the primary parent caring for the children. This is a very common scenario in households where both parents are present, even if they are separated. In my experience, unless a parent is physically or emotionally abusing a child or has a work schedule that is very demanding or unpredictable, it is likely that parents will have a shared physical custody arrangement. One safeguard that can be put into an agreement is the right of first refusal, which will allow the other parent the right to have the kids in their care if the custodial parent is not available to care for them during their scheduled parenting time instead of the kids being left with a third party caregiver (i.e. babysitter, etc).

_{Cary Jacobson has been a family law attorney throughout Maryland for 13 years, a court appointed Best Interest Attorney for children in custody disputes, and a mediator for over 10 years. For more information: https://jacobsonfamilylaw.com/about/cary-jacobson/}

Valerie E. Anias, Esq., Family Law Attorney, Arnold: There are two kinds of custody in Maryland: legal and physical. Legal refers to decision making (such as medical, education, religion) and physical refers to the access schedule. In an agreement, you and your spouse can agree to whatever schedule you deem to be in the best interest of your children. If you and your spouse are unable to reach an agreement, the Court will determine what schedule is in the best interest of your children. The Court believes, because psychology supports, that both parents should be as involved and present in their children’s life as is best for the children. That doesn’t necessarily mean 50/50. While the way it has been is certainly relevant, the Court also recognizes that the way it has been is no longer possible by virtue of the divorce. So, while it’s relevant for the Courts consideration in determining the best schedule for the children, the Court may not simply reduce someone’s access to, say, alternating weekends because while married one parent was less involved.

_{Valeria is a local family law attorney and has been practicing family law for nearly 10 years. Her practice focuses on family related matters and estate planning. For more information: www.ateamfamilylaw.com.} 

Want to be part of our moms and experts panel? Send an email to kathy@annapolismomsmedia.com. All anonymous posts are taken from the Annapolis Moms Facebook Group and used with permission. They may be edited for length and clarity.

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