EACH WEEK, WE PULL AN INTRIGUING POST FROM OUR FACEBOOK GROUP FOR OUR PANEL OF EXPERTS AND AREA MOMS TO WEIGH IN ON.
QUESTION:
I need some advice…I already think my husband is cheating, and of course he denies it. I do have actual reasons to back up my suspicions. On our browsing history on Amazon, I just came across thong underwear (I was not the one looking this up!)
Do I confront him or save the search to our cart to see what his reaction is? I am so disgusted and am hoping this is a joke but we just “celebrated” 19 years, and he has never bought me a pair of sexy underwear.
ANSWERS:
Maryann Boyle, LCSW-C, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, EMDR trained, Friends of One Mom’s Battle:
You said you already think he’s cheating, and you have other specific reasons for not trusting him. It also sounds like confronting him in the past hasn’t resulted in a confession or in changed behavior. You can certainly save the search to your cart, but doing that without any other follow-up may just add sneakiness to a situation already overwhelmed by it. And yet, asking him outright still might not give you the truth you’re looking for (and deserve). It may be time for a very direct statement from you rather than more questioning, such as:
“Based on xyz (including but not limited to the Amazon search), it’s very clear to me that something is going on. Please let me know if you would prefer an honest conversation with just the two of us or with a couples’ therapist.”
He may say “neither,” and then you get to decide what that means for you.
Caveat: The couples’ therapy option is off the table if he has a history of acting abusively in any way. A legal consult before this conversation is always a good idea. And an individual therapist for you could be a huge support as you navigate so much potential turmoil.
Jill, Private Investigator, Owner, EYES ON Investigations, Ltd.:
I would not confront your husband. Once he thinks you suspect him of cheating, he will just become more sneaky with his extra-curricular activities and as you stated he has already denied it.
I would keep quiet, gather information and call a private investigator regarding your suspicions. Our firm offers free confidential consultations. Hiring a private investigator can get you the factual information that is required by law to prove a case of adultery and also give you the peace of mind that you need in order to make any life-altering decisions moving forward.
Mandy, mom: I would tell her to hire a Private Investigator. She needs proof to prove she’s not crazy. Sadly her instincts are most likely correct.
Sloane, mom: Confront him. What do you have to lose at this point? If he is cheating, you’re simply confirming your suspicions. Would you prefer to continue sharing a bed with a man who is with other women?
Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, Owner, Baltimore Area Center for Integrative Medicine:
I can understand this must be a very stressful discovery. It makes sense that you’d wonder whether he is cheating, since you found that he had browsed for thong underwear. If I’m understanding correctly, it sounds like he did not purchase the underwear.
I wonder if there are any other possible explanations for his search. Are you able to be curious about what could have led him to this search? If so, it would be great for the two of you to discuss what’s really going on.
Before you make any decisions, I suggest having an open conversation with him when you’re calm enough to listen without reacting.
Sometimes Good Enough is Good