Each week, we pull an intriguing post from our Facebook group for our panel of experts and area moms to weigh in on.
QUESTION:
Has anyone split up with her husband due to differences in religious ideology? My husband is very religious, recently becoming even more so, and I am not, and I feel myself becoming less so (I became religious for him and now realize how much of myself I gave up). He does not believe in divorce. We have kids, and he has threatened to seek full custody if I leave him, and I’m sure he will poison them against me if I leave. I feel the best thing for my sanity is to leave, but worry that I will lose my kids or my relationship with them in the long run. I don’t believe I will ever subscribe to how he views his faith, and I currently feel like I can’t share my thoughts with my kids without verbal and judgmental repercussions from my husband. I’ve also been a stay-at-home mom, so I don’t have money to my name, although I have my own bank account.
I’ve consulted with a lawyer, but am not ready to pull the plug on our marriage. How will this affect my kids (my biggest concern)?
ANSWERS:
Chelsea, parent in Severna Park: I would say counseling would be a first step, but the part that stuck out to me in your description was, “he has threatened to seek full custody if I leave him.” Is he this manipulative/controlling in other ways? Looking back on my parent’s divorce, I can now say I’m glad my parents split so they could be their full selves. It’s not going to be easy, but I think you already know the answer, momma, so hang in there. Oh, and start documenting anything manipulative/extreme in his behavior.
Valerie Anias, Lawyer with A Team Family Law in Arnold: If religion makes having legal negotiations challenging then it *may* be helpful to find a religious-leaning mediator. Secondly, the kids can’t be talked down to with regard to religion. If Dad wants to do X, Mom can explain why she doesn’t believe that, but she supports the kids exploring it. Making the kids feel bad won’t help. At the end of the day, we have a separation of church and state. If and when this wife is ready to move forward, religion is only a very small, small consideration in a divorce. Making sure the kids don’t feel ashamed, are getting support, and seeing therapists will be helpful in ensuring the relationship with the kids isn’t burdened.
Rev. Peter and Rev. Patti, St. Margaret’s Church in Annapolis: To quote our Presiding Bishop Michael Curry, “If it’s not about love, it’s not about God.” It seems that, in this case, “religion” is being used as a cover (if not a tool) for abuse. While this is a painful situation, your mental health is important and not an insignificant consideration. Keep loving your children and trust that love to help make your decision clearer. The YWCA offers good counseling in matters like this.
Rabbi Ari J. Goldstein, Temple Beth Shalom: Any time we hear about marriage problems, our hearts break. And as I read your post, I can also hear the sadness and desperation in your voice.
A few preliminary thoughts: You deserve to be happy. And even if the road ahead is scary for you, you deserve to be happy. In 50 years, when you are looking back on your life, would you rather have endured misery for the sake of security or would you rather have gone through many tough times for the chance of being happier? There is no right answer to this question because there are many factors involved. Still, you need to ask yourself the question.
While there are many people who caution couples from getting a divorce because they claim that the kids will be forever “screwed up,” there are just as many people who will tell you that by staying in an unhealthy marriage, a couple is modeling for its children a bad marriage and therefore “screwing up” the kids as much or even more.
While I understand that you struggle with the increasing religious observance of your husband and the lament of the subsequent loss of yourself, I wonder if this is really the issue. This is not to say that the issue isn’t “real” but rather to say that this issue is but a symptom of a deeper issue.
There is much middle ground between joining him in his religiosity on the one side and getting a divorce on the other side. Are you not able to go for a walk in the park while he is at church, synagogue, the mosque, etc.? Or does he insist that you be a full participant with him?
If he wants you to be a full participant with him, then he does not respect you for who you are, and this is a much bigger issue than religion.
If he doesn’t give you the agency to be honest with him, then you do not have a relationship of trust, which is a much bigger issue than religion.
If you feel scared when you share your feelings with him or your kids … it’s a bigger issue than religion.
You and your husband desperately need couples counseling before you make any decisions. If you tried counseling already and it didn’t work, find a new therapist and try at least once or twice more. And, if he refuses to go to a couple’s counselor with you, again, please know that your issue is far (far, far) bigger than an issue of religion.
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All anonymous posts are taken from the Annapolis Moms Facebook Group and used with permission. They may be edited for length and clarity.
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