Trying to Help My Son Deal with a Bully at School

Each week, we pull an Anonymous Post from our Facebook group for our panel of experts and area moms to weigh in on.

QUESTION:

The other day my son decided he does not want to go to school anymore. I asked him why. He said one of his classmates told him he was going to “kill” him. (I won’t mention all the other disgusting things this child said to my child.) 

Also a few weeks prior to this, the same child pulled my kid’s pants down in front of all of his classmates. The school did not inform me of this incident, but apparently the other child was suspended. 

After this threat, they’re not doing anything about it. I know, I get it–they’re just kids, but somehow something’s got to be done about it, especially with all the stuff that is going on in this world.

As a mom, I’m just asking for other moms’ opinions. What else can I do about this?

ANSWERS:

Jillian Amodio, LMSW, Waypoint Wellness Center and founder of Moms For Mental Health 

Bullying is such a terrible thing to contend with, and my heart goes out to you and your child. What your child is dealing with is traumatic and deserves to be taken very seriously. First, I want to commend you on “digging deeper.” School refusal is a common occurrence and it is important to understand the “why” behind the refusal. 

Feeling unsafe and dealing with other emotions such as humiliation or embarrassment is definitely an understandable reason for a child to no longer want to attend school. How can school be a place of value if the most basic needs of safety are not being met? 

Validate your son’s concerns and ensure that you are taking this seriously and that you will work to resolve the issues to make sure that he feels safe again. It is a hard truth of parenting that we can’t protect our children from every problematic experience, but we can help them navigate these occurrences. 

If you have not done so yet, please file formal bullying reports for each separate incident that has occurred. This creates a paper trail of documentation and requires staff to follow up with solutions. Push for a “safety plan” that is comprehensive and offers protection to your son; this might include classroom changes for the aggressor, safe adults to be named as monitors, scheduled check-ins, etc. I would also consider having your son talk to a therapist to help process what he has gone through and how to move forward. If there are threats in writing, text, etc., you can also report those to law enforcement, especially if they are also occurring off of school property. 

School Counselor, Maryland*: 

My first piece of advice would be for Mom to contact the school; I would start with the Assistant Principal who is usually handling day-to-day discipline. I would ask for clarity about the first incident (the pants being pulled down)- how was it handled? What is the process for informing parents, etc.? Is the school aware of the statement the other child made about “killing”? Sometimes wires get crossed and a child may believe a teacher overheard or is aware when this may not be the case.

 If not, the school needs to be made aware so that they can handle it promptly. As the Mom, I would work with the administration and potentially the school counselor as well to make sure these incidents are handled properly, and that there is a plan in place that the child and parent is comfortable with moving forward. Options such as a restorative circle between the children, safety contracts, and seat or classroom changes can all be utilized depending on the circumstances. In the end, the goal is for both children to get the support they need and for everyone to feel safe at school.

Teacher and Mom, Maryland*:

First off, you should have been contacted after the first incident. Then, my first question would be to my child. I would ask them who they told at the school when this happened. 

Then, I would email (so it’s in writing) the teacher, guidance counselor, and the principal (along with the individual my student told). I would reference the old incident and then talk about the new incident and make a point to say that it is the same student. In the email, I would also ask what is being done to ensure your child’s safety. In addition, I would ask if they have any assigned seats near each other that could be moved. You could even ask your child to be moved to a different class.

If another student says they are going to “kill” your child, that is absolutely not appropriate or safe. Threats should be handled immediately. This could potentially even be something that the Office of School Security would need to be notified about, since this is the second incident with this other student and your child.

Megan, Mom in Annapolis: 

I’m so sorry for your son and you—this is not OK! I would expect the school to contact me when another child puts his hands aggressively on my child, especially when it results in my child’s pants being pulled down in front of other students. 

If this happened to my child, I’d contact the principal of the school and demand a meeting. I would bring a copy of the student handbook and reference the policies on bullying and attack on students (the handbook defines Category IV attacks as “intentionally frightening another person with the threat of immediate offensive physical contact tor physical harm.”) 

If your son truly feels threatened, the school needs to investigate it under the student handbook policy, and it looks like you need to force the school to pay attention. At a minimum, I’d push the school to have the other child removed from your son’s classes and see what other safety measures they can enact to keep the other child away. 

Nora, Mom in Arnold: 

I would make sure the teachers/admin know exactly what is being said and done to your child, and keep records of it, as well as keep records of each notification sent to them (email for documentation purposes). 

Ask to make sure they do not sit close to each other. Keep an open and honest (yet age appropriate) conversation with your child. The more your child is informed, the more powerful and confident they will feel. It’s important that they understand that the hurt and hate being spilled by the other child is not and will never be ok.”

*Some panelists prefer to remain anonymous due to the nature of their work. We thank them for their time and expertise in helping our readers.

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