As we settle into the New Year, many people are trying to keep their resolutions, creating goals, and thinking about ways they can enhance various aspects of their lives. The New Year brings many different opportunities to redefine our values, goals, and interests, but what about our boundaries? Boundaries can seem harsh or unpleasant to put in place, but healthy relationships thrive on boundaries, both spoken and implied. The start of a new year is the perfect time to do some relationship pruning and to release yourself of unwarranted guilt and undue stress.
These relationships might include friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, etc. What do these relationships mean to you? Which ones bring you joy? Which ones cause you stress? What can be improved or changed?
What exactly are boundaries? Personal boundaries are meant to bring us comfort, stability, and predictability in our relationships. They are meant to create an environment that breeds safety and respect. We can think of them as rules or expectations for how we interact with those around us.
People often think of boundaries as only being useful or necessary for the “difficult” people in our lives. But boundaries are beneficial in every relationship and help create balance. For instance, you might love your job, enjoy your co-workers, and have a great relationship with your boss. But your work boundary might mean that after work hours are over, you do not check work emails or answer work calls. You might enjoy volunteering at your kid’s schools. But your boundary might mean that you can’t attend/staff all of the events.
Boundaries can also help focus on family values like privacy or quality time. These could include simple things such as not having cell phones at the dinner table, or not reading your partner’s text messages.
And yes, boundaries can be put in place to help alleviate the stress caused by problematic people and behaviors as well.
Set a boundary!
- Is there someone in your life that speaks to you unkindly? “If you continue to talk over me/call me names/use a harsh tone of voice with me, I will end this conversation.”
- Do you have a friend who needs more time than you can give? “I value your friendship, but I can’t always take your call. If I don’t answer, it is because I am busy tending to other obligations.”
- Do you have a family member who always wants to discuss hot-button topics at family gatherings? “This is not a conversation topic I wish to discuss. Please do not bring it up to me again.”
To start your boundary exploration this year focus on the following things:
- What are your values?
- Evaluate your relationships. What relationships do you feel are aligned with your values? What relationships are in conflict with your values?
- Define what your boundaries are in specific relationships.
- Lose the notion that boundaries are only for the “bad guys” and view them as part of a healthy lifestyle.
- When needed, clearly state and communicate your boundaries.
- Reinforce your boundaries as needed.
- Hold yourself and others accountable, but be open to adjusting as needed.
Establishing healthy boundaries can improve your quality of life and improve your relationships with yourself and others. Healthy boundaries include honoring your time, knowing your limitations, honoring your emotions, and respecting your physical space and physical body. Make this a year of peaceful existence by honoring yourself!
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