Each week, we pull an intriguing post from our Facebook group for our panel of experts and area moms to weigh in on.
QUESTION:
I’m at a loss and need opinions on how to handle a situation. Recently, a new family moved in with a daughter around the same age as our second eldest daughter. The mom is super sweet, but the daughter is literally always questioning my husband and I’s authority.
There have been some instances leading up to yesterday’s event, but yesterday my husband and I had to leave the house briefly. My eldest daughter was in charge of her sister while we were gone. Well, we got a notification that someone rang our Ring doorbell, so I answered it and told this child that my daughter was not allowed to have guests until we got back home. The daughter was arguing with me, and I told her again that no guests were allowed over till we got home and told her bye. I thought that was the end till we got home and looked at the footage. She stayed even after I told her bye. She was telling my daughter to let her in the house and trying to see if the door was locked so she could gain entry to our home. How would you handle this situation?! I hate confrontation.
ANSWERS:
Susan, parent in Harwood: No one likes confrontation, but there is no reason for this to be a confrontational situation. You’ve already said the other mom is “super-sweet.” Have a sit-down with her with no kids around and let her know what happened. Show her the video if you feel it helps you state your case, and explain why it cannot happen again. After all, if your child were being a pest and encouraging other kids to disobey their parents, you would want to know about it, right? By telling this other mom what happened, you aren’t being confrontational–you are doing her a favor.
Catherine, parent in Bowie: Since the family is new and it sounds like this is the first time addressing boundaries with them, consider pretending that the incident was a misunderstanding. Mention to the mom what happened with the attempted entry and that you don’t think that her child could hear you well via the Ring, so you wanted to clear up the “confusion.” What happens after that will tell you what sort of relationship you want to maintain with this girl and her family in the future.
Marna Brickman and Lisa Maholchic, licensed clinical social workers, therapists, and co-owners of Guiding Therapy in Annapolis: In most cases, using calm and clear communication is most effective. If you don’t have an established relationship in place with the new neighbors, it’s best to approach the situation in a non-confrontational way. “I’m not sure if she mentioned it to you, but I wanted to make sure you knew that (your daughter) came by the other day when no adults were home. We told her through the ring camera that she wasn’t able to come inside because we weren’t home at the time. We have a strict rule that no friends are allowed in the house when we’re not there. I just wanted to make sure you know that she’s always welcome to come by, but when a parent isn’t home, she won’t be able to come in.” Be collaborative initially. If it becomes a pattern and rules are not respected, then you may need to try a different approach.
After a stressful incident occurs, we recommend parents prioritize communication with their own children about what happened and how to best handle situations like this in the future. It’s a great opportunity to point out strengths and review the importance of protecting one’s boundaries.
Guiding Therapy is an Annapolis-based mental health practice providing individual, couples and family therapy.
Jillian Amodio, is a licensed social worker with Waypoint Wellness Center and founder of Moms For Mental Health: This is tough! Of course, in an ideal scenario, we would all be friends with our neighbors, kids would get along, and boundaries and personal space would be respected. However, life isn’t always so simple. I am unsure of the ages here, but it can be typical (albeit frustrating) for adolescents to challenge authority and push boundaries, especially those who are fiery-spirited, strong-willed, and free thinkers. A couple of key things to remember. We cannot control other people, we can only control our response to them. In this case, praise your children for doing the right thing, for not allowing entry into the home, and for honoring the family rules. If this does occur again in the future, be firm but kind in your response to the child, “You don’t have to agree with my rules, but this is how it works in our family.” It might also be time to have a discussion with the parent. This can feel awkward, but when approached from a place of compassion and concern, rather than anger or frustration, it might help gain deeper insight into the situation as a whole and provide the parent with the information they need to have a more detailed discussion with their child about respect, boundaries, and safety.
Want to be part of our moms and experts panel? Send an email to kathy@annapolismomsmedia.com. All anonymous posts are taken from the Annapolis Moms Facebook Group and used with permission. They may be edited for length and clarity.
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