A few years back one of my kids came home from school and said, “Mom want to hear a riddle?”
“Sure” I said, matching their excitement with my own.
“What kind of ship is unsinkable?” They asked.
“I don’t know?” I responded.
“A Friendship!” They said with joy!
My first thought was, that’s adorable. Quickly followed by a second more cynical thought…If only that were true.
Wouldn’t it be nice if friendships lasted forever? I’ve had plenty of BFFs throughout my life, although I suppose the more accurate term would be BFFFF (best friends for foreseeable future). I’ve navigated my fair share of friendship breakups and now as a mom, I can say that I have helped both of my children navigate them as well.
Regardless of how many times we’ve been through it, losing a friend hurts. As a mom, I feel like there are so many factors that influence friendships. Busy schedules, balancing our work, family, and social lives, different views on parenting and life in general, and for me… the added nuances of parenting a special needs child.
I am a people person. I let people in my circle fluidly and freely because I know at our core, all many of us really want is to be seen, loved, respected, and accepted for who we are, as we are – flaws, scars, baggage and all. I love easily, I forgive easily, and I appreciate the ebb and flow that comes with many relationships. Am I a perfect person? Hell to the no, but I also don’t expect anywhere near perfection from anyone else. In fact, I think grace is one of the most precious gifts we can give to ourselves and to others. One thing I have learned, however, is that sometimes no matter how hard we try, some relationships simply have an expiration date.
Recently I went through a friendship breakup. My life is in chaos overload. I am in the final semester of grad school, and I have been battling with a deep depression which has finally started to slip back into the shadows with the arrival of warmer weather. In addition, I have been navigating some truly difficult and traumatic family issues while I am working two jobs, an internship, and plowing my way blindly through mom-life in general. It’s no excuse for not being present, but it certainly is a reason why I have not been able to devote myself as fully to friendships as I have in the past. But you know what, sometimes when we’re running on fumes, all we can give is exhaust. It might not be enough to get us anywhere, but it’s all we’ve got left.
Sometimes friendships that have for so long been seaworthy are confronted with a storm that breaks the mast and sinks the ship. When this happens there are a few things we need to do to honor its final voyage.
1. Make time and space to grieve.
2. Take accountability for what you could have changed and relieve yourself of guilt for what was beyond your control.
3. Honor the beauty and joy that the relationship brought you while it lasted.
4. Wish the other party nothing but peace, health, and healing.
Humans are social creatures. We thrive on human connection. Friendships can be a beautiful way to connect in deeply intimate ways. These are words of wisdom I always share with my children when they go through friendship breakups or changes:
Some friendships are going to come into our lives like shooting stars. They are going to come in fast and burn bold, bright, and beautiful. But they will only last a short while. This does not mean that they were worthless, fake, or a waste of time. It just means that their presence was temporary. It was a gift that we can hold onto in the form of memories and shared experiences, but it won’t last a lifetime. Other friendships are going to be like the North Star. They will burn steadily. They will always be there, a constant presence. They will be so constant that even if you go for a period of time without commenting on their beauty, but when you do shift your focus back to them, they will still be right there where you left them. These friendships might not be flashy and exciting, but they are loyal, predictable, and so very precious.
Not all good things are meant to last, but all good things are meant to be appreciated.
by Jillian Amodio, MSW, Contributor, Mental Health
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