I showed up to parenting like S-ugar H-oney I-ced T-ea. I mean, that’s not the surprise, I do that quite often to varying degrees. This one was big though.
I work from home, so when there are school breaks, extended time off, a month of sick kids it messes with my flow. After our last 12 day Spring break I needed to get back to my routine and that Monday morning could not have come fast enough. Laundry was done, lunches were prepped and alarms were set. We were going back to school, hell or high water…or so I thought.
I began to see the first cracks in the foundation of my plan less than an hour after I dropped the last kid off, ‘Momma, I think my stomach is sick.’ Thirty minutes after that the school number registered on my phone. See ya productivity! Adios workday! So long sanity! The girl had thrown up…in class…during an exam. She wasn’t sick, allergies had struck, but her pride took a major hit like my mental health was about to. Dropping everything, I scooped my girl up ready to soothe her heart and boost her self esteem.
The next day, knowing she was healthy and determined to salvage this week, we made another attempt to get all the children to their buildings of learning. Less than a mile from the school she said the words I expected, but had been dreading, ‘Momma, I am too embarrassed. I really don’t think I can do it.’ So I did what any level headed, fully functioning parent would. I turned the car around while allowing the frustration to take a hold. As we pulled into the safety of our driveway I said, ‘You can’t always run away. You will have to learn to do hard things.’
Gross. I cringe to write it. I immediately regretted my stupid mouth and my stupid words. I came in and cried alone in my room. I am a human and I am flawed. I show up poorly, exhausted and unskilled. I showed up like a schmuck. The truth is she does hard things, she’s brave, a force, this had nothing to do with her abilities. I was just an a**.
Now, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last time that I misstep. The only thing I can guarantee is that I will replay this moment at 3 am for the rest of my life as the driving catalyst of all her problems, every time she has even the smallest inconvenience.
So…why would I share such a low point for the world to judge?
Because, we have all mis-stepped, whether it has been a large leaping misstep or a tiny veer from the parenting path. What I have learned is holding and hiding the shame and ego causes the most damage. Holding onto those moments tears at the fiber of the relationships. My children will one day be tired, overextended, under hydrated parents saying stupid things. I hope that I showed my daughter that on an unskilled parenting day that I can take accountability and show growth.
I have apologized, and I will continue to apologize, but more importantly I have taken ownership of my actions. As a new parent I thought my job was to be perfect, apologies are not a part of perfection. But, now I realize my job is to be honest and transparent. I hope I showed my daughter that we will have tough moments, and as a team we can grow, forgive and learn from the tough moments.
There is no grand lesson today and no happy ending, just a reminder to you that our people are complex individuals who will force us to evolve many times in order to see them through to adulthood. This is not what any of us expected when those two little ones showed up. It is okay to lean on others in the community, cry because you are frustrated, cheer for one another’s success and white knuckle it through a day or two.
We are all Hot Mess Moms doing the best we can with what we’ve got.
By Patrice Craig, Contributor, Musing of a Hot Mess Mom
Brendan Sailing Program for Children with Learning Differences