Moms’ Imaginary Audience

Anonymous posting has come up a lot lately in community groups and especially in Annapolis Moms. The concept that community members would write anonymously for things like cookie decorating, plumber referrals, and where to find the freshest fruit instead of divorce advice or other sensitive topics has gotten me thinking! Why are we so afraid to ask questions publicly and what does this say about our community?

In asking people about this issue, I received a variety of explanations. Anything from, “I don’t want people knowing my business.” To, “I don’t want people judging me or thinking I don’t know what I’m doing.” There was also the, “I don’t want my friend being angry that I don’t want to use her referral.” As well as the, “ I don’t want people knowing my financial situation.” And while some of these concerns are certainly valid, it really brings up the societal problem we seem to have with asking for help.

We teach children that there are no bad questions, but then we go post anonymously in shame of our own. We are our own worst critics and while we also criticize others, we hate when they do it to us. We create the very thing we fear and blame others for its existence. The change starts with us.

The first thing we can do in helping to eliminate this issue is by being open and encouraging honesty. The fear of judgement and confrontation can often hold us back from healthy relationships and growth. Asking questions, sharing struggles openly and confrontation can be very healthy. Modeling this for yourself, your friends and your children is so important.

The second thing you can do is ditch the imaginary audience! We always tell our children, “No one is watching you!” “No one is judging you!” but, when we hide and don’t open up, we are teaching our children that they should be scared. The truth is that this is often in our heads… it’s an imaginary audience and we are the audience we fear. So ditch it! Share away! This isn’t to say that some things aren’t private, but the day to day issues are nothing to be ashamed of.

The last thing you can do is show empathy. When someone opens up about an issue you relate to, share your experience. It can be that you can relate or that you can answer a question. By commenting and sharing, you are modeling for others that sharing is the best way to honor your community members. As my daughter often says, “Don’t assume everyone hates you.… people aren’t spending their days thinking about how embarrassing you are.” Chances are, your friends and community members are relieved that you asked first so they don’t have to!

by Lisa Peri, MSW, Publisher